Scene: It’s first thing in the morning and The Kraken is nesting in an armchair in George’s study, reading a book while snorting, snuffling and scratching. George had just come downstairs ready to go out.
The Kraken: (Looking up from his book.) You’re pretty today.
George: Aww. Thanks.
The Kraken: That’s a very… sensible skirt…Very… practical.
George: Is that meant to be a compliment?
The Kraken: (Now pulling an impersonation of Rodin’s The Thinker) Yeah. Definitely…Very… sensible.
George: Because that’s not really a compliment.
The Kraken: It’s… sturdy.
George: Why is your mouth still moving?
The Kraken: But I like that the rest of you dirties it up.
George: I don’t know whether to cry at you or punch you in the mouth parts. Because that’s how dirty I am.
(Interlude where The Kraken almost falls off his chair because he’s laughing so hard.)
George: (some steam still emitting from nostrils.) So what are you plans today? I’m thinking of going in to Food Story (vegan café in Aberdeen) for a peppercorn chai late. (Immediately regrets words.)
The Kraken: (Renewed laughter.) Ohhh peppercorns on a late. How posh! Are they organic? Will it be half-strength soy decaf? Will there be kale particles with that? Keeeenwaaa? Sprinkles of bran on top while you sit on sphagnum moss?
George: You’re hilarious.
The Kraken: (Actually… ACTUALLY falling off his chair now because he’s laughing so hard.) I am!
George: The funniest man alive.
The Kraken: (Flapping arms.) Laaa de daaa look at me with my sphagnum moss chai peppercorn keenwaa late.. Haw haw haw.
George: So you’re coming then?
The Kraken: (Looking offended that the question was even asked.) Yeah. Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?