Conversation With The Kraken: The “Church Dress” of DOOM

By Evie Snow|January 10, 2018|Uncategorized|0 comments

Scene: A cranky DHL dude drops package in random place near doorstep after ringing bell four times and then not waiting for anyone to come to the door. The Kraken Collects.

The Kraken: (Having been woken from his slumber by the doorbell.) BLARG

George: (Coming downstairs) What is it?”

The Kraken: (Inspecting package like it could hold high explosives) Clothes. For you.

George: Ohh great. (Rips parcel open. Black dress falls out. Pulls it on over the black long-sleeve thermal top and black tights she’s currently wearing to make sure it fits.)

The Kraken: (Face screwed up like he just found out it’s National Lemon Juice Enema Day and he’s been volunteered to go first) I hate it.

George: Why?!

The Kraken: It makes you look like a Sicilian Nona. You look like you’re gonna go to church and not good church. Like, bible thumping, smite the unbelievers church and then you’re gonna volunteer to sweep up the ashes of the witches they burned during the sermon afterwards. And then you’re going to tell the priest that he’s not telling enough people they’re going to hell if they don’t do what he says. And then you’re going to go beat people enjoying themselves. THAT’S what kind of dress that is.

George: Tell me what you really think.

The Kraken: And the bosom is wrong. It’s got a wrong bosom. It makes your bosom look… wrong.

George: Who uses the word bosom anymore??? (Inspecting said object in mirror.) Okay, I kind of see what you mean. The collar is a bit prissy. Although I kind of like it… It could be a subversive church-like dress. Like an undercover atheist dress.

The Kraken: (Shaking head emphatically) Only if you’re trying to start some kind of subversive more-conservative-than-thou cult.

George: All this hate for a dress. What did it ever do to you?

The Kraken: (Wandering off to make his first coffee of the morning.) It woke me up and it made you look weird. It completely covers you up from head to foot and not in a good way, like a demonic sack of potatoes way.

George: But it’s short sleeve and only comes to my knees!

The Kraken: (Looking through the kitchen door and speaking over the sound of the coffee machine.) That’s different. Yeah. Without all that crap underneath it’d look good. I take it back, it’s a nice dress. You look beautiful by the way, it was just the dress I didn’t like. But now I might like it. In fact I think I do like it.

George: AAAGGGGHHHHHHHH

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